It all began 5 years ago, around the same time now. I thought I fell in love again. The same question arose in my mind. Is this love or just infatuation? I wasn’t over one girl and I am falling in love with another. Practically weird, but that was me. While I didn’t want to let go of the past, I also wanted to indulge in this particular future.
With a very confused mind and an already heavy heart, I decided to let go of all inhibitions and just try to follow a basic principle of ‘one-at-a-time’. This would help me be ‘normal’ while facing this girl whom I decided to not fall in love with and just leave it as infatuation.
Now a ‘normal’ me would be very nice to deal with. Friendly, unassuming, non-judgmental, no expectations, etc. All the qualities that would keep both of our minds comfortable, hers and mine. Also, the simple fact that this girl did not ‘know’ me helped to an advantage. She had no clue of my thoughts for her, what I feel or what I felt. She did not have enough time to judge my character. She did not know me, just like I did not know her.
And here I was, thinking of myself as a mature and practical person. I did not know what love was, or what infatuation is, or even the difference between the both. But I was there thinking, questioning myself, behaving ‘practically and mature’. Not that I had a clue of what these words meant, but I thought I did. You are getting a bit of the picture here. I am a thinker, which is one thing I am. I don’t know about mature or practical, but thinking came very easy to me and thinking is what changed my life. At every turn, nook and cranny in my life, I thought. Some worked for the better and most for the worse.
Coming back from the thoughts, the ‘normal’ me did not think much. At least not enough to worry about the consequences of every step I took. No inhibitions, meant no responsibilities for me and no responsibilities meant no expectations from her. It was a full circle of freedom, or so I thought. And since I did not think of what she might have been thinking, I did not presume about what could have happened and what did not.
But after all that has transpired since then, I still think back to that day and wonder.
“It’s been quite a while…a long journey of truth and lies, a path filled with tales of love, lust and fidelity. Was it a journey too long?”